Building Your Child’s Self-Esteem

By Madison Pickens, MA, LMSW

Parents are the most significant influence in a child’s life. Children learn from, listen to and follow after their parental figures, even though it may not feel this way when they are stomping off and yelling “I’m not listening to you!” With this, parents play a big role in helping a child build their self-esteem. Self-esteem is formed very early and continues to form each day. Self-esteem plays a significant role in a child’s development, ability to handle emotions and overall happiness. 

The Power Of Your Words.  Self-esteem is how we value and perceive ourselves. It makes sense that words can be so powerful in building up and tearing down our self-esteem, especially in children. Developmentally, children are said to become aware of others’ perceptions of themselves by 24 months. Think of a young child saying, “watch!” as they tie their shoe. This is most likely because the child feels proud to show their ability to do something challenging and they want you to notice this about them. This is why parents are so influential in helping a child build their self-esteem. 

The words that we use are also extremely important. One phrase that is often used to let children know that we are proud of them is “good job!” While this phrase is seemingly second nature, it may not be accomplishing what we are hoping it does– building self-esteem. Saying “good job” when a child achieves something, causes the praise to reward the product rather than the child or the effort put in. This may cause a child to rely on external motivation for engaging in behaviors rather than intrinsic motivation. This is a difficult habit to break but let me provide you with some helpful examples to start! 

Instead of “good job,” try saying:

“Wow! You worked so hard on that!”

“Wow! You are so creative.”

“You were so fast on the field today.”

“You did it! You are so intelligent.”

“I heard you singing. You are so talented!”

So even though a child may not win the art competition, they still know that they are creative and talented. It may disappoint them in the moment but they will still know who they are and continue to engage that creative ability of theirs. 

Biblical Examples.  I think the Bible gives us the perfect framework for this idea. Thinking about the nature of who God is, it is far more meaningful to point out the specifics of His character. He is our provider. He is our savior. He is faithful. He is a promise keeper. He is attentive. I could go on and on! When we put specific characteristics to who God is and what He does, we appreciate and understand more about Him. Additionally, when God calls out who we are, we feel known and loved. You are sons and daughters of the King. You are forgiven. You are made whole. You are victorious in Christ. 

It means more. 

Let children know specifically what you see in them and what God sees in them. It will stick with them for a lifetime.