The Tapestry Blog

  • Social Media and Children

    Today Daniel Peeks and Melissa King join me for a conversation about children and social media.  I think that we tend to be somewhat polarized in our feelings about managing our children’s involvement with social media.  Either we demonize it and make every effort to cut them off from it.  Or, believing that we’re helpless as parents to manage its influence, we just surrender to it and let them have at it.  I hope that today’s show will give you a little bit of help in identifying the middle ground for your child and helping them manage it better.  

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  • Social Media and Children

    Today Daniel Peeks and Melissa King join me for a conversation about children and social media.  I think that we tend to be somewhat polarized in our feelings about managing our children’s involvement with social media.  Either we demonize it and make every effort to cut them off from it.  Or, believing that we’re helpless as parents to manage its influence, we just surrender to it and let them have at it.  I hope that today’s show will give you a little bit of help in identifying the middle ground for your child and helping them manage it better.  

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  • Own It

    Today Daniel Peeks and Mary Breshears join me for a conversation about the importance of owning your emotional experience.  All too often, we tend to avoid or talk ourselves out of unpleasant or negative emotions before we’ve adequately processed or expressed them.  In today’s show, we are going to talk about why we therapists make such a big deal out of emotion.  So, if you currently have feelings or some day hope to have feelings  ;-)  I think that you’re going to find today’s show helpful. 

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  • Assumptions

    Today Daniel Peeks and Bev Elliott join me for a conversation about assumptions.  We all know that its not a good idea to make assumptions.  The problem is that assumptions are sneaky and we often fail to recognize when we’re making them.  The very nature of emotional and relational learning is organized around the process of making assumptions - or anticipating what others might be thinking and feeling  and what they are about to do.  And at the core of that learning is an assumption that past experience is a good predictor for future experience.  Sometimes that true, but often its not… particularly in intimate relationships.  

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  • Grace and Obedience

    Today Melissa King and Sarah Collier join me for a conversation about grace and obedience.  The struggle to live fully in both grace and obedience is no easy or insignificant matter.  And, as today’s conversation will illustrate, losing your grounding on one side or the other can be associated with depression, insecurity, perfectionism and even addiction.   

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  • How to Complain Without Complaining

    Today Stace Huff joins us to talk about how to complain without complaining.  As Stace’s boss, I’m here to tell you that she’s is an expert at complaining… ;-)  but, seriously, she has some great ideas for couples on how to structure a complaint so you not only avoid provoking your spouse, but may even create an opportunity for intimacy and connection.  So, if you’re married and need a few pointers on how to file a formal complaint, I think that you’re going to find today’s show helpful.  

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  • A Southern Christian Woman Finds Her Anger

     An-ger

    /‘aNGer/

    Noun

    1. a no-no word for women in the south
    2.  an off-limits emotion for women in the church. 
    3. emotion a therapist never feels because they are always calm and serene

    Despite these cultural definitions of anger for women, Christians,  and therapists, I found myself a year ago venting ferociously in a small group. One of the women in my group finally spoke up and said, “You’re angry.” 

    My heart dropped. I realized she was right. I started freaking out. Thoughts such as, “I’ve never been angry in my whole entire life”, “Why now?”, and “What am I doing wrong?”, raced through my mind. At that point I knew nothing about anger. I just knew I didn’t want to feel it. How am I supposed to be a good woman and a good Christian if I’m feeling angry? 

    Then I began to learn about anger. If you know the truth the truth will set you free right? Here are some freeing truths I learned about anger.

    1. Anger is often the result of a blocked goal or desire

    This was the very first thing I learned about anger. Let me tell you when I did, I was blown away. My feeling of anger all of the sudden made sense. At that point in my life there were significant goals and desires being blocked. Once I learned that anger often stems from blocked goals and desires I was able to reflect on what was stirring in my heart. In that reflection I was able to see the desires that were good and needed a little more patience to see them through. I was also able to see the unrealistic goals that needed to be let go. Now when I feel angry, I ask myself, “What am I aiming for?”

    2. Anger is an umbrella emotion 
    The second thing I was told about anger was to imagine that the anger is an umbrella. Imagine pulling the umbrella down. What’s there? Anger is an emotion that covers up numerous other emotions we are feeling. Another way of describing it is that anger is the tip of the iceberg- there is always something underneath. Common things underneath anger are: disappointment, rejection, offense, regret, worried, hopelessness, and jealousy.  The next thing I ask myself when facing anger is, “What I am really feeling?”

    3. Anger can fit the facts

    Anger can be an appropriate response to your situation. Anger can be a knee jerk reaction when an important goal or desire is blocked, you or someone you care about is attacked or hurt by others, or the integrity or status of your social group is being offended or threatened. When appropriate one can fight back as long as it is not in a way that is emotionally or physically harmful to others. Fighting back can look like being an advocate for an important cause or lovingly confronting the person who hurt you. One can also take a break and step away to cool off or maybe it’s a sign to remove yourself from the situation all together. The last thing I ask myself when I am feeling angry is, “Is this a situation where anger is trying to protect me?”   

    Lastly, I would like to set a few things straight by correcting a few myths: 

    Myth: Anger is a sin.

    Truth: The word of God tells us to “Be angry and do not sin.” (Ephesians 4:26)

    Discovering what’s underneath our anger may actually be an important step in managing sinful behavior.  Anger unexamined will eventually come out somehow. Anger is not always negative- sometimes anger leads us to overcome obstacles to our goals, protect the defenseless, or stand up for what is right. Other times when unexamined and not utilized effectively it comes out through things like becoming a nagging wife, overbearing mother, a steam-roller at work, or just an overall bitter grouch. 

    The anger isn’t the sin- it’s the ineffective ways of dealing with it that is.  The rest of Ephesians 4 goes on to talk about not letting the sun go down on the anger and not tearing one another down with our speech. In summary, the word is tells us to deal honestly with our anger and not treat one another poorly because of it. Putting the umbrella down and taking a look at what’s underneath your anger can simultaneously give you a better understanding of what your values are and the areas of your character that need to be fine tuned. 

    I’m a southern Christian woman and therapist in training who has found her anger. Now it’s time to go out and find yours! Exploring your anger can lead you to make positive changes, fight for the right things, and help you catch yourself before you act on it. Remember the anger isn’t sin- unexamined anger is the bad guy.  

  • Emotional Memory

    Today Daniel Peeks and Stace Huff join me to offer some insights into emotional reactivity.  We are going to discuss something called “Emotional Memory” and the role it plays in our intimate relationships.  As both a husband and a psychologist, understanding the neurology and behavior associated with emotional memory was very impactful and valuable.  I hope that today’s show will be the same for you. 

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  • Child Safety and Predators

    6/26/18

    Today Mary Breshears and Bev Elliott join me for a conversation about child abduction and sexual abuse.  As parents, we walk a fine line as we acknowledge the dangers in our world and protect our children, while also recognizing the limits of our humanity and not allowing our fears to over come us.  In today’s show, Mary and Bev have some guidance and perspective for parents striving to protect, but not over-protect their children.  

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  • Fear and Control

    Today Sarah Collier and Melissa King join me for a conversation about fear and control.  Across the course of my career, I have become convinced that controlling people are scared people.  If you’re bent toward control and that doesn’t immediately make sense to you, then I think you’ll find today’s show quite helpful.  

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