Setting: The Six Elements That Determine the Tone of Your Love Story
Element #6: Personally Responsible versus Blaming.
I gave my wife a call to check-in and let her know that I was on my way home from the office the other day. We were chatting as I walked across the parking lot when it dawned on me that something was wrong. You know, that vague feeling you get when something isn't quite right… something is missing. In a flash, I scanned myself and my immediate surroundings and realized that my front pocket was lighter than it should have been… that the i-phone that usually rests in this pocket was not there. And, because I rarely leave my phone behind or misplace it, I knew that someone else must have taken it from my office or used it and misplaced it. Thinking out loud with my wife, I reflected on all of those persons who had come through my office that day. And, because she had been in my office earlier… and because she often uses my i-phone to check the weather or get on-line… and because she doesn't always put my things back where she finds them… she quickly moved to the top of my list of suspects. Without hesitating, I turned my questioning toward her. And, when she remained silent and didn't respond – offering no confession of guilt, no defense of her innocence, I thought it odd. Until, in that rather awkward moment, I realized what she already knew… that my i-phone wasn't missing… that it hadn't been stolen, lost or misplaced… that it was not in my pocket because it was in my hand… being used to speak to her… Oops.
Photo Credit: Flickr @Kenny Louie
When you a reach a place n your marriage where you find yourself more focused on your spouse’s bad behavior than your own, you’re in trouble. If you want to improve your marriage; if something seems wrong or missing; if you find yourself thinking about what your spouse does and doesn't bring to the table; if you find yourself saying that things would be better if only he would…. If only she was… Stop it. The phone is in your hand. Really. Trust me. Its there. And if you haven’t found it there, it’s because you’re not looking hard enough.
Let me give you some bad (or, perhaps, good) news. Its unlikely that you are any more emotionally or relationally mature than your spouse. As best as we shrinks can tell, people tend to marry people possessing a personal, relational and emotional maturity level comparable to their own. Your spouse’s “issues” – their relational strengths and weaknesses – may be very different from your's, but when you add it all together they are usually equally problematic. As I recently heard a divorce attorney say, “Crazy marries crazy.” Furthermore, as you’ll learn later in this book, when a marriage is in distress it is almost always created and sustained by both partners equally.
Even if you are in a marriage where your spouse has failed you in a more visible or dramatic manner – as with infidelity, substance abuse or domestic violence – there is mutual responsibility for the relational context surrounding the breach in the relationship. While you are certainly not responsible for your spouse’s bad behavior, you are mutually responsible for the relational context in which their bad behavior occurs.
In an uncharacteristically vulnerable moment, Donald turned to his wife and said, “I feel lonely in our relationship. It seems that the kids and the house are more important to you than I am.” Deanne looked surprised and then, a little perturbed as she turned toward me. “I’ll tell you what Donald’s problem is. He just doesn't know how to express his feelings. I've been waiting for 20 years to see him feel anything; I'm not even sure he's human anymore. His father was cold and his mother was just mean; its no wonder he doesn't feel. I honestly feel sad for him. Its just who he is. But, then, he thinks that I’m going to have sex with him?” “Deanne”, I interrupted, “It seems that you have some pretty good theories about Donald. You’re a smart woman and I suspect that some of them are right on target. But I’m wondering what happens in you when Donald told you he was lonely. You looked surprised, but then you got angry. What happened there?” Not yet willing to look at her own fear - and particularly her fear of facing rejection - Deanne continued her diatribe on Donald's issues.
As a marriage counselor, I find it amusing how well-versed most people are in their spouse’s problems and issues. We are all “armchair psychologists” when it comes to understanding our spouse. Unaware of her own culpability, Deanne continued to rant about Donald’s behavior. However, what she couldn't see was the role that her own behavior played in their marital distress. Her assessment of David’s emotionally closed and distant manner was fair. However, what she couldn't see was that her own fear of intimacy and rejection fueled an anger that reinforced Donald’s emotional distance. It communicated a lack of safety and placed all the blame for the couple’s marital distress at Donald’s feet. Until she took personal responsibility for her own fears and the blaming which arose out of them, it was unlikely her relationship would change or grow. In fact, her refusal to do so would eventually contribute to the demise of the relationship.
- Jeff Pipe
If you want to learn more about this topic or how you can make your marriage into an Epic Love, consider participating in an Epic Love retreat. Registration is currently open for the weekend of June 6-7.
Posted on Wed, May 21, 2014
by Jeff Pipe filed under